In my last quarterly post I asked, “Can we have nice things in Philly?”
We’re actively testing that hypothesis–all the improvements around the city for the 250th Anniversary of the Declaration of Independence are nice things calling out to Philly’s better angels to protect and appreciate and maintain them. Meanwhile Philly’s own agent of chaos, Gritty, whispers in our other ear. Who will we listen to?
Consider the curious case of The Portal, a project full of optimism wanting to link cities around the world with a Stargate-like video contraption. I didn’t expect it to last one full month after its debut in Philly’s Love Park on October 2024, but it’s still working and mostly intact despite a few “incidents”. Moving it to the City Hall courtyard in April of 2025 cut down on the panoramic views of the Parkway and City Hall, but it also cut down on the opportunity for incidents. Being inside a literal stone fortress with all the security that the seat of city government and courts brings has surely helped The Portal avoid hitchBOT’s fate a decade earlier.
This is where Gritty’s whispering in my ear got louder. Then he licked it, of course.
He reminded me of hitchBOT’s sad tale and how we as Philadelphians reveled in the ire and condemnation the world heaped on us for such a heinous act. Their hate only made us stronger. And then, googling around and reminiscing about it, I discovered a new fact about the story that left me gob-smacked:
OMG, how did I miss this 10th anniversary of the robot decapitation celebration happening in my figurative back yard last year? Oh right, burst appendicitis and deciding that my new job had already gotten old. I wonder, is the head still out there, somewhere, waiting to be discovered? Where should I start looking?
OMG*OMG, how did I not know that hitchBOT’s headless torso was found on the bench in front of Elfreth’s Alley? Ahem, allegedly. It’s literally across the street and visible from my balcony! Living in Old City means being surrounded by history, but here’s some modern history I had no clue was so close!
There’s the scene of the original crime as of this morning, 2026-07-31 02:00 EDT. Our little spruced-up park behind the bench was supposed to get a gazebo. I have a few new ideas for some sculpture and a memorial renaming of the … um, what’s it called again? Too bad they took down the sign from the celebration, but Alley people are like that. Allegedly.
I’m trying to be good. I want to have nice things. But this mad murder muppet won’t stop whispering into my still-moist ear!
For my French readers (peers into the silent dark), here’s a Gritty video explainer.